Battleship Review

After the success Transformers had at the box office, no wonder Hasbro wanted to rehash this concept with another one of their games. Battleshit—err, I mean Battleship is the bastard child of a beloved childhood board game and an attempt to over-Americanize the most idiotic and nonsensical story of the year.

So, story-wise, Battleship has nothing to offer that is neither interesting nor intelligent. That said; let’s get to the plot line. After sending a message in galaxy far, far away and discover that a foreign alien race got their signal and is now headed straight to earth. Once their destination reached, they settle their camp in the ocean, near the coast of Hawaii. In the meantime, we get a little backsplash of Alex Hopper’s (Taylor Kitsch) life’s situation, and we see how much of a screw-up he is.

After getting the attention of a “hot girl” (cause these movies always need a chick grinding a guy scene before the action starts) Samantha (Brooklyn Decker), they get together. With all this uncreative and unnecessary  sub-plot line, the goal of the main character, once he has joined the Navy after being forced by his older brother (Alexander Skarsgård), is to prove to his girlfriend’s dad (Liam Neeson)(!) that he is worthy to marry his daughter.

Riggins: “Where’s my quarter back?!”

So, basically, this whole movie is a mess just because it tries desperately to recreate the same type of slapstick humor/sci-fi-action mash up. Of course, you need to be super-gullible to even remotely care about any of the characters or their credibility they take in action.

The problem with Battleship is that they tried way too hard finding ways to tie-in the board-game-based references (which were the most absurd things you’ll see) and trying to justifying it to make it a “plausible” set-up for a sci-fi movie.

The special effects were visually attractive but a complete waste on this movie and were obviously meant to distract a younger audience suffering from short-attention spans. The aliens were most probably the worst in design, looking like white trash creatures made out of moist clay, and I’m also comparing them to the one is War of the Worlds.

But fear not, the aliens are not the worst thing in this flick; Rihanna made her debut in her “acting” “career”, and it was a little more exciting than to literally watch two dudes playing an actual game of battleship. The purposely censured one-liners and lackluster of acting talent, oh and also that she is definitely not believable as a Navy officer, will make you roll your eyes and cover with face with shame for having to watch that.

“Using my most convincing expression right now..”

With all that said, the movie cannot get one thing right, but shamelessly calling itself a sci-fi flick and having poor Liam Neeson (who had very, very little screen time) probably kidnapped and drugged to play in this. The movie has a horrible pace and doesn’t take its premise seriously.

All that said, Battleship is an unworthy try by Hasbro to make a movie based a damn board game and will mostly make wonder how do they get away on spending so much money on special effects on something like this instead on something actually humanitarian. The only thing that Battleship accomplishes is to be probably the best and funnier “Mystery Science Theatre” experience of the year—and it’s only May (ergo explaining the high score).




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